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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22490677">How it Began</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostdiadem/pseuds/lostdiadem'>lostdiadem</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bisexual Remus Lupin, Bottom Remus Lupin, Gay Character, Gay Panic, Gay Sirius Black, Harry Potter - Freeform, Hogwarts, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), POV Remus Lupin, Remus Lupin &amp; Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Sirius Black &amp; James Potter Friendship, The Marauder's Map, Top Sirius Black, Young Remus Lupin, Young Sirius Black, jily, remus lupin - Freeform, sirius black - Freeform, wolfstar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-01-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-01-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 15:27:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,713</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22490677</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostdiadem/pseuds/lostdiadem</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sixth year is the year Remus Lupin experiences his first gay panic that results in a crush on his best friend Sirius Black. God help him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>62</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. another regular day</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is my first fic being published feedback is appreciated</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Book pages, sepia coloured accompanied with the must from years of idleness on the shelf. Brows furrowed as quills scratched on parchment before coming to an abrupt halt. The atmosphere was still, like witching hour on an early Monday, except from the odd muttering which would compare to the buzzing of distant cars. Remus was hunched over a library book, his quill left discarded as he rubbed his two index fingers on each of his temples. Potions. He read the same chapter once again, squinting this time thinking it may lead to a moment of revelation on the difficult brewing of Felix Felicis. Don't be mistaken, Remus Lupin was one of the brightest wizards in his year, below Lily Evans of course (a muggle-born witch). Despite this, Remus had received more than he'd bargained for when deciding to take Advanced Potions coming into his 6th year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.</p><p>His essay (or the beginning of it, anyway) sat adjacent to the book, curling at the sides slightly after being pressed flat by a rather frustrated Lupin. Ink splotches littered the parchment, like the holes in his knowledge visually represented upon it. Why did I ever listen to that stupid careers advise? He thought to himself as he picked up the the once abandoned quill, dipping it in a pot of ink. He scratched angrily, feeling quite derailed by his lack of intelligence on this subject. <em>You'd be a great Auror Mr Lupin!</em> they said. <em>Take advanced Potions!</em> they said. He continued to beat himself up inside his head over nothing but a small mental blockage (a rather bad habit of his), scratching out his once opening paragraph and writing, Felix Felicis, also known as Liquid Luck is a complex magical potion in which-</p><p>"GET BACK HERE! ALL THREE OF YOU! NOW!"</p><p>Remus glanced up, rather unfazed by the voice bellowing in the corridor outside the library. He sighed, looking down at a badge pinned to his jumper. The words Prefect were printed on it in a deep crimson. Debating whether it was worth the effort, and then realising he wasn't getting anywhere with his essay, rolled his eyes and lifted himself out of the chair with his hand on the desk. He strode over to the large oak doors and walked into the middle of the hallway. Nothing. The corridor was empty, the bricks tinged gray with age, the low winter sun shining through the battered window. Perplexed by the serenity of it all after the loud exclamation, he turned on his heel back towards the library entrance. That's when he heard heavy footsteps at the end of the corridor.</p><p>Three young boys skidded around the corner, laughing loudly. James Potter, a boy about the same height as Remus, with messy jet black hair and round circular lensed glasses came belting down the corridor. Peter Pettrigrew ran at his side, squealing like a child. A small mousy haired boy with a plump figure and a rather  disproportionately small head sat on top of it. Sirius Black, by far the most good looking of the three (Remus' own opinion, though he'd never admit it), sprinted a few paces behind. His dark hair down to his shoulders, wind swept as he charged, with deep penetrating grey eyes catching Remus standing in front of them.</p><p>"MOONY!" He shouted running quite intimidating towards Remus, despite the huge grin on his face. Jumping in the air, he clicked his heels before they reached Lupin in the middle of the no longer deserted corridor.</p><p>"Moony! Come on!" He exclaimed before grabbing Remus by the arm without stopping his stride. "Padfoot what's going on? Why are you running? I-"</p><p>“No time for questions my dear Moony!" Sirius said without glancing back.</p><p>"But my essay and my bag! They're in the library, let me just-" Remus said pulling against Padfoot's grip, staring longingly at the library entrance.</p><p>They reached the end of the corridor, Sirius still gripping Remus as he stumbled behind. The soles of his shoes scraped the floor, leaving black skid marks. Remus glanced behind him and saw a Slytherin Prefect stomping towards them, red in the face. Actually, now that he came close to them, he could see that the redness was accompanied by large boils scattered across his face, pulsating slightly as he walked. Remus gasped before Sirius whipped him around the corner, blocking him from sight.</p><p>They carried on running, Sirius still gripping Remus' wrist as they went. They weren't slowing down anytime soon. Gleams of sunlight broke the window panes, creating dancing patterns across the concrete floor. They passed each one, coming in and out of the beams as they turned into another corridor which was occupied by second years leaving their Charms class. "OUT OF THE WAY, MARAUDERS COMING THROUGH!" James yelled as several of the younger students dived out the way, causing some of them to collide and topple over each other like skittles in the muggle sport bowling.</p><p>Sirius had let go of Remus' wrist due to the commotion and he slowed down, starting to apologise to one of the second years who shouted "Watch it!" as James pushed past. But not before long Sirius ran back and grabbed his arm again, tugging him whilst saying "Moony come onnn". Remus let out another sheepish apology to the younger student before letting Sirius drag him again around another corner.</p><p>They reached the portrait of the Fat Lady, skidding on their heels after the sudden stop, "Password?" Asked the Fat Lady, raising her eyebrows in suspicion at the four out of breath sixth years.</p><p>"There isn't time for a bloody password! We're Gryffindors quite clearly, let us in!" James shouted, bent over double clutching his left side.</p><p>Remus, who was also panting heavily, rolled his eyes at his friend (yes, why he was his friend, he didn't know) before gasping, "Dilligrout" and snatching his arm out of Sirius' grip rather belligerently. "That's more like it." Said the Fat Lady passive aggressively as she swung open her portrait. They clambered in one by one before flopping on a dusty sofa opposite the fire.</p><p>The common room was dimly lit, the only source of light coming from the fire, various candles scattered around the room and the winter sun protruding through a foggy window. Scarlet banners hung from the walls and ceiling, baring a large golden lion roaring. A few students sat in the far corner working on what looked like homework. If only that was still me Remus thought, glancing over at them. The common room was empty for the most part as majority of student had classes at this time. But because they were sixth years, they had free periods to roam the castle without the shackles that was a full timetable.</p><p>Remus, suddenly realising what had just occurred sprung to his feet, scowling at the three of them. "May I ask what on <em>earth</em> just happened?" He asked, folding his arms, his prefect badge glinting as he did so. m</p><p>"Prongs cast a pimple jinx on a Slytherin prefect. He didn't even see it coming." Sirius said grinning, high-fiving James.</p><p>"And on what planet did you think that would be good idea?"</p><p>"Oh come on Moony, loosen up a little. It was just a bit of fun!" James pressed. He looked over at the other end of the common room before turning to Remus again, "Or is your superior status not allowing you to have any of it?" Remus rolled his eyes for what felt like the hundredth time that day and glared at James. "I think my definition of fun is very diff-"</p><p>"Moony you should've seen the look on his face, Prongs' jinxing skills are amazing!" Peter interrupted, who was taking longer than the rest of them to catch his breath.</p><p>"Alright Wormtail, don't wet yourself with excitement now." Sirius chuckled, glancing up at Remus. He sighed, before flopping back into the sofa next the his three best friends, stretching his legs out, which just reached next to Sirius'.</p><p>"I hate you guys, you really are idiots." Remus muttered.</p><p>"We love you too Moony" Sirius said, putting his arm around his shoulder. Remus felt an unfamiliar feeling in his stomach.</p><p>"And I swear to Merlin if I get another weeks worth of detentions because of you three-"</p><p>"MOONY!" They all cried in unison.</p><p>Remus couldn't help but laugh a little, Sirius' arm still round his shoulders.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. early hopeless romanticism ft gay panic</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus woke suddenly to the sound of loud whispers, the kind of whisper where you want to raise your voice, but you're forced to suppress any emotion into a twinge of your vocal chords. He lay face down on his bed, his head in the soft milky pillow before sighing loudly to himself. Half conscious, he was quite contempt in this state. He was aware of his surroundings, the mundane world around him where everything was real and vivid, and yet he could still tune it out if he wanted, feeling at peace with the solitude of his existence. He'd come accustom to this by now, his isolation. While the others would galavant around the castle, hexing anyone in their way, he could stand from afar and take it in, without having to be the centre of everyone's attention.</p><p>"Shut up Wormtail or you'll wake Moony. You know what he's like when it's coming up to a full moon. He needs his beauty sleep." He heard someone whisper, sarcasm curling at the end of each word.</p><p>"Aw is Paddy Waddy sticking up for his Moony Woo-" Another taunted whisper was cut off before there was the sound of commotion and a rather loud bang.</p><p>Remus bolted up right. Three shadows could be made out not far from the end of his bunk, frozen in shock. His eyes started to sting in the lights of the three lit wands discarded on the floor. Rubbing them wearily, he squinted in the semi-darkness. Glancing around he reached to his bedside table, a rickety old oak top with various holes that it had accumulated through the years, and grabbed his wand.</p><p>"Lumos" He grumbled, feeling his temper rising. Remus' cast of lumos was much brighter than the other three wand that lay on the floor, illuminating the dormitory around him.</p><p>"Wh-" Remus stuttered as he realised three of his friend were out of bed. Sirius was stood up not that far from his bunk, staring blankly at Remus, and then twitching his eyes to the foot of his bed. His hair was tied up in a bun, fly away hair wisping from the beginning of his hair line. Remus felt a fluttering in his chest. Now, James lay beside Remus' bunk propped up on his elbows, scowling at Sirius, his glasses askew. Peter, on the other hand, was sat down in the centre of their dormitory holding a half opened chocolate frog. They'd been sat in a circle.</p><p>He was too tired for this shit. Way too tired.</p><p>"What are you idiots doing?" Remus said, his voice gravely from the sudden awakening.</p><p>"Our friend Padfoot here," James started "decided it'd be funny to push me." Still scowling at Sirius, he pushed himself up off the ground before muttering "Accio", so his wand flew into his hand like a tamed bird of pray flying onto its trainers gloved fingers. He strutted across the dorm, flopped onto his bed and pulled the covers over himself. Laying on his side, his back to the rest of them, he muttered, "I'm going to bed now, and make sure Wormy actually goes to sleep"</p><p>Sirius gave a light chuckle, darting his head between James and Remus. "He's making us come up with a plan for him to ask Evans out." Sirius whispered, a smirk on his face. "Well... was, now he's being a moody bastard."</p><p>"Ah..." Remus replied, quite uninterested by all this. He just wanted to flop back and press his head onto the pillow again. "So nothing new then?" Remus asked, becoming somewhat amused now.</p><p>"Ha... Yeah I guess." Sirius said whilst rubbing the back on his neck. He stood there for a while, the light hitting his face, angling his sharp jaw. Another flutter.</p><p>"What time is it?" Remus pressed, feeling his temper rising again. Sirius looked back at him sheepishly. <em>He must feel bad</em> Remus thought,<em> it's 2 days away from a full moon</em>. "I think it's about half past 2?" Sirius scrunched his face, still rubbing the back of his neck "in the morning?" His voice became lifted in pitch, like the guilt was being squeezed out of him.</p><p>Crinkling of packaging could be heard as Peter attempted to open his chocolate frog quietly. Remus darted a glare at him, "Seriously?" he whispered hoarsely.</p><p>"Wot?" Peter asked between chews, his mouth full of chocolate. Remus simply just sighed before muttering "Nox" and falling back onto his bed, aching slightly from sleepiness. He heard Peter scrambling to his feet, picking up his wand and walking over to his bed, still chomping on his chocolate frog.</p><p>Sirius must have casted the summoning spell wordlessly, as a small beam of light flew across the dorm coming to a halt at the end of Remus' bed. It distinguished itself. They were suddenly submerged in total darkness.</p><p>"Moony?" Remus jumped slightly at the closeness of the voice, accompanied with the sound of Peter's scuffling.</p><p>Remus lifted his pillow and pressed it over his own head, attempting to block out the noise. "Yes Padfoot" Remus sighed, not moving.</p><p>"I'm sorry about waking you up and all... James was being a prat and I didn't want him to wake you from your beauty sleep, so I told him not to, you know, do just that." Sirius said sarcastically. "And I'm also sorry about earlier too... The Slytherin prefect and everything." Although the room wasn't lit, and Remus head was buried in his pillow, he knew his friend was smirking at him.</p><p>"For Merlin's sake Sirius, go to bed." Remus murmured into his pillow, now pressing his hands over the one above his head.</p><p>He felt a weight lift of his mattress and the sound of dragged feet across the floor boards before Sirius (quite obviously) belly flopped onto his bed.</p><p>Remus chuckled slightly into his pillow. Feeling himself becoming sleepy again, he realisedhow much he loved his stupid friends, even if they did wake him up at this ridiculous time.</p><p>"Thanks Pads, by the way"</p><p>"You're welcome Moons"</p><hr/><p>Remus woke up the next day, his mind hazy and vision blurry. One of the effects of an upcoming full moon was the constant tribulations it caused for him. The exhaustion, dissociation, lack of concentration, joint pains and headaches (oh Merlin the headaches). His head was still wedged between the two pillows after last nights surprise meeting. He groaned and went to move the pillow, lifting his arm up, when a excruciating jolt of pain shot down his side. <em>Oh yeah</em> he thought <em>forgot that I'm a werewolf</em>. Of course Remus hadn't actually forgotten what he was, it was hard to. Always playing on his mind. But it seemed his body felt like it was it's obligation to cause him the utmost pain as a reminder of the curse laid upon him.</p><p>Slowly rolling over, Remus squinted as he pulled back his drawn curtains to look into the dormitory. Peter curtains were wide open. He lay flat on his back, his head lolling to the side as drool slid down his chin, pooling on the cushion beneath him. Remus screwed his face up in disgust before precariously lifting himself off his back to sit on the edge of his bed. He winced slightly with the pain, and then stretched his arms above his head. Every muscle screamed in protest. It's like they knew what was coming, and wanted Remus to avoid any over excursion until it was absolutely necessary.</p><p>Remus forced himself to stand, and felt the blood sinking low as he began to see stars. Grabbing onto his bedpost, he tried to fight off the weak feeling in his knees. "Fucking hell..." He muttered to himself, trying to steady his gaze as a warm hand pressed itself on his shoulder.</p><p>"Moony mate, are you okay?" Sirius voice said from what seemed somewhere distant.</p><p>Remus felt the fog in his head subside and realised he was relying entirely on the bed post for support. He opened his eyes, squinting at the bright light that broke through the dorm windows. Gazing at the beams that puddled onto the dusty floorboards, he noticed the sound of shower spraying water and the muffled hum from James coming through the door. Remus often did this when things got a bit too much, he'd try to ground himself. He'd point out things he could see, hear, taste. Things he could...</p><p>Sirius' hand was still pressed firmly on his shoulder. Remus dragged his gaze from the window and was met with a pair of stormy grey eyes. They were slightly heavy from sleep still (or the lack of it due to last nights antics) with thick lashes that drooped ever so slightly. The stare was intense with worry, bright like thunder hitting the ground before torrential downpour. Remus thought of standing under the grey clouds as the rain fell, letting it soak through his clothes and seep into his skin. He wanted to stand at the summit of the highest mountain and feel it burn his cheeks, making them raw and pink. He imagined the water filling his boots to the ankle, spilling down the leather into the puddle at his feet, which he thought he could just melt into because <em>Sirius</em>.</p><p>What the hell was he thinking?</p><p>"Moony?" Sirius pressed, waving his other hand in front of Remus' face. Only then did he realise he had been staring at Sirius for what felt like an eternity.</p><p>Remus gulped, "Shit, yeah I'm..." he sighed, dropping his eyes to now stare at deep blue veins climbing pale wrists. Sirius' hands were large against his boney shoulder. His finger nails were bitten down slightly but nonetheless seemed to look manicured effortlessly. Palm placed flat on his shoulder, finger tips brushing his wing bones slightly. He took another gulp.</p><p>"Moony you're starting to scare me slightly." Sirius started, "Do you want me to take you to Pomfrey? You look really pale and you literally almost passed out when you stood up. And you know ol' Poppy would slaughter me if I didn't make sure you're o-"</p><p>"No Pads I'm fine, Godric you don't half carry on sometimes." Remus cut in with a weak smile, blushing. He brung his eyes back up to see a surpassing storm, spots of amber now flecking the grey slightly, like the sun peeking through clouds.</p><p>"Right... <em>right</em>. Okay, I'm gonna get ready." Sirius said, eyes flicking to Remus' shoulder and then removing his hand. He felt weightless without Sirius' heavy hand anchoring him, like he was about to begin whirling around the dorm like a rubber balloon being released from someone's fingers.</p><p>Sirius shuffled away and knocked on the bathroom, three loud thuds.</p><p>He yelled, "JAMES POTTER IF YOU DON'T GET OUT THAT BLOODY SHOWER RIGHT NOW I WILL HEX ALL OF YOUR PUBIC HAIR OFF!" Sirius then turned around on his heel and shot a look at Remus, smirking, "Not that he has any, anyway" He quipped.</p><p>Remus let out a light chuckle before walking gingerly towards the trunk at the end of his bed, pulling out his school robes.</p><p>The sound of the shower stopped, and just like that, everything was back to normal.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. primroses</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Remus is one angry boi</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tonight was the full moon for Remus. He tried not to think about it, he really did. But it’s something that was inevitable for him, looming over him like guillotine, but no one even noticed it, and god forbid they ever did. Pain shot from each nerve in his body, radiating outwards. Hot magma poured itself down his back coating in sweat, along with a high fever. Despite this, Remus had pulled himself into his academics (much to his friends protests) with needles in his eyes and silver under his skin, unable to concentrate.<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Sitting in his Charms classroom, he was staring fixedly out of the window. The Whomping Willow seemed to flick it’s branches in what Remus thought was a taunt. Tonight he’d have to descend the castle stairs into his cage of mildew and feel himself being ripped in two whilst his friends stood and watched. The transformations only seemed to get worse and worse as he got older, each birthday would pass and he’d feel a new pop or a different tear of his flesh as he became the thing he loathed more than anything. Because Remus was a werewolf. A filthy, incredibly dangerous and hideous dark creature. </p><p> </p><p>When Remus was younger, before the bite, he loved celebrating his birthday. He’d wake up on the 10th March and run down the small spiral staircase of his cottage in Aberystwth and greet his mum at the bottom, jumping into her arms. She’d carry him to the kitchen table and place him next to her before smiling sweetly and saying, “Happy birthday cariad”. They’d eat full a full breakfast she’d made before he’d woke. There would be bacon, sausage, scrambled egg, beans and fried tomatoes. His mother, Hope, would laugh as Remus would dollop as much ketchup as he could on his scrambled egg, usually splashing all down his pyjama top when he scooped it up in his fork. By that time, Lyall (Remus’ dad) would have descended from his bedroom with his work robes on ready to leave. Ruffling Remus’ hair and kissing Hope on the cheek, he’d say a simple ‘happy birthday’ before leaving the house to apparate his ministry job.</p><p> </p><p>Hope would give Remus his presents after that. They were never much, struggling financially, barely scraping end meet. But Remus never cared. His mum would always wrap them up so beautifully, with brown paper and a ruby ribbon wrapped around each other until they met in the centre. She’d use scissors to curl the ends of the ribbon when it was tied neatly into a bow. In her loopy handwriting on small tag, she would write ‘To my beautiful baby, happy birthday Remus’. It was usually a book, something small with many bright illustrations, second hand from the charity shop, probably muggle.</p><p> </p><p>She’d then usher Remus out of the kitchen as he giggled, his new book clutched to his chest. Hope always made him the cake on the day so it was hot and fresh when Lyall got home. Meanwhile, Remus would sit in the large armchair by the cottage fire, his nose almost touching the pages of his new book. His tawny curls would droop over the top of the cover as his amber eyes darted hungrily across the pages until his cake was ready.</p><p> </p><p>Hope would place however many candles in the cake and Lyall would light them with his wand. The chocolate sponge was smothered thick with rich icing, little hundreds-and-thousands scattered over the top. “Make a wish, cariad” She would say before planting a kiss to his forehead. Remus would gasp a huge amount of air, filling his lungs to almost bursting point. Holding his breath, he would try to think of the most elaborate wish and blow out the candles with a large <em>woosh. </em>Sixteen year old Remus smiled to himself in reminiscence.</p><p> </p><p>But after he had gotten bitten, it had all changed. He still got his present, the hair ruffles, the whispers of ‘happy birthday’ from his mum. But there would be tears in her eyes. Remus would sit and watch his mum from across the kitchen table as she poked at her egg with her fork. She’d glance up at him and give a weak smile, dark circles making it impossible for it to reach her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>When it came to Remus’ wish again, he never gave it a second thought anymore. It was always the same after the attack, jumping to the front of his mind,<em> ‘i wish that mummy and daddy didn’t think i was a monster’</em>. And he’d blow them out, watched the embers fade and the smoke cascade up to the low ceiling, mingling with the cigarette smoke from Lyall. </p><p> </p><p>“Mr, Lupin?” Professor Flitwick squeaked out from his stack of books, raising an eyebrow at a glassy-eyed Remus.</p><p> </p><p>Remus jumped at the sudden address, moving his eyes from the Whomping Willow he’d been staring at for god knows how long now.</p><p> </p><p>”Sorry Professor I...” He trailed off, heat rising to his cheeks, realising the whole classroom was now staring at him with curiosity.</p><p> </p><p>“Would you like to be excused, Mr Lupin?” Flitwick suggested, sympathy embarrassingly evident in his tone. Remus wanted to whack his forehead on the desk at that. He hated pity, hated the idea that he was <em>weak</em> or <em>fragile</em>. Hated that people treated him as a child towards the full moon as if he wasn’t going to turn into a blood-thirsty monster when the time came.</p><p> </p><p>”No no Professor it’s fine, honestly” He said, cursing himself inwardly.</p><p> </p><p>”Very well then,” Flitwick said, then turning to the class “Carry on practising aguamenta everyone.”</p><p> </p><p>Remus sighed, shifting his eyes to look down at his goblet. He hadn’t even glanced down at it when he was distracted yet again. </p><p> </p><p>Sirius sat across the classroom, slightly to the right of Remus. Next to James, he had his feet placed cockily on the desk with his trademark smirk plastered across his pale face. His arms were crossed across his stomach, his fingers interlaced with each other. The same fingers that had been placed on Remus’ shoulder that morning. His dark hair fell in waves, framing his face (perfectly, Remus added to himself rather reluctantly) in such an elegant way. Shorter pieces near his forehead would fall down into his eyes and he’d blow them away so casually. If Remus ever tried to do that he knew he’d look like a complete moron. But this is Sirius we’re talking about, always effortless. Nonetheless, he imagined carding his fingers through those locks, tucking the stray pieces behind his ears. He imagined it felt like silk. Silk quilts made for only the most wealthy monarchs, embroidered with thick cotton, wrapping in and out the fabric like the way Sirius had Remus around his fingers. </p><p> </p><p>He changed his longing gaze down to Sirius’ neck. He’d turned his head to look at James, and Remus’ would’ve spat his drink out if he had any. Flexing, it clenched ever so slightly as he spoke animatedly in his aristocratic accent, ostentatiously moving his arms. Then he laughed. His stormy eyes crinkled in the corners, his white teeth flashing between his rosy lips. Remus could’ve passed out. His adams apple bobbed when he let out a full body reaction, throwing his head back exposing more flesh that, Remus thought, was necessary. He tried to pry his eyes away as soon as his mind began to wander, thinking about trailing kisses down the ivory skin. But he just couldn’t. He just seemed <em>flawless. </em>Remus no longer felt the dull pain of needles in his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>”Um... Moony?” Peter asked nervously from beside him.</p><p> </p><p>”Mhm?” Remus hummed, not looking away from Sirius.</p><p> </p><p>”I think you’re making, um... Are they flowers?” Peter said, now sounding extremely confused.</p><p> </p><p>Remus tore his eyes away from his best friend and looked down to the desk below him. His hands has been lying palms flat on the wood with his nails digging into the surface unknowingly. Between each of his long spread fingers, small primroses were sprouting up between the cracks of the worn out desk, blooming in the soft winter sun streaking through the windows. They were mostly a soft yellow, with the occasional baby pink in the assortment. Looping around each other, the stems grew faster with the magic Remus was emitting. They seemed to be knotting into each other, creating a tiny wild garden on his school desk.</p><p> </p><p>”Got someone on your mind, loverboy?” Peter quipped, his lip twitching slightly.</p><p> </p><p>Soft petals began to shrivel, turning from pastels to muddy brown. Leaves crumbled and fell onto the wood in an already forming pile of dead shrubbery. They were wilting. Dying.</p><p> </p><p>“What? No I don’t!” Remus exclaimed, causing the rows in front and behind them to throw a disdaining glance in their direction.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry...” Remus whispered, casting his head down to avoid their malice. </p><p> </p><p>“Who’s the lucky bird Moony?” Peter pressed, now turning to face Remus, his elbow on the table, face resting on his palm.</p><p> </p><p>”No one.” Remus grunted as the bell rung signalling lunch. He angrily ripped the dead flowers from the desk, tearing them out the to see intricate roots sprouted delicately, like veins on a certain someone’s wrists. He sighed, scrunching them up in his hands whilst cursing under his breath. He lifted his bag from beside his chair, stood up and slung it over his shoulder. And he left. He wouldn’t give Sirius another look in his direction if <em>that</em> happened.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Since when had he been head over heels for his roommate (and more importantly) his best friend? “This is fucking ludicrous.” He grumbled to himself, stomping into the library. </p><p> </p><p>Lily already sat next to his seat, her auburn hair fanning around her, her head bowed over a textbook. <em>Yeah, Lily’s pretty</em> he thought to himself, <em>I think Lily is pretty. I definitely like girls</em>.</p><p> </p><p>”Hi Remus!” She shouted from across the library causing Madam Pince to scowl. “Sorry... Hi Remus” She repeated in a whisper.</p><p> </p><p>”Hi Lils, you revising potions?”</p><p> </p><p>”Yeah. It’s all very difficult. I think I may have under estimated the curriculum when taking it for NEWTS. But Sev said...” She trailed off, sadness suddenly in her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>”Oh forget about that tosser Lily. I’m not justifying what James and Sirius did but he isn’t innocent either, you know that right?” Remus said, sitting in the seat beside her. The year before after their DADA OWL, Sirius and James had used <em>Levicorpus </em>on Snape as revenge for him sticking his nose in Remus’ business. Even when Lily tried to defend Snape, he’d called her a filthy mudblood. Since then, she’d been ignoring he’s plea for an accepted apology. </p><p>“Oh Remus, I hate that you’re right, but we’ve known each other since we children! I wish he hadn’t have said it, but with the lot he’s hanging round with he’s bound to pick up something...” She sighed, looking at Remus in the eyes. She had piercing emerald irises that looked fierce when the sun hit them. Flecks of amber scattered towards the deep all-knowing pupil.</p><p> </p><p>Huffing, she turned back to her text book and picked up her quill from beside it. She twirled it between her thumb and index finger, as if she was thinking particularly hard about something. </p><p> </p><p>“I saw what happened in Charms today.” Lily said bluntly, now very interested in the object between her fingers.</p><p> </p><p>Remus, panicking, fumbled with the book he’d just pulled out of his satchel, trying to catch it before it fell to the ground with a dull <em>thump, </em>Remus wincing as it did.</p><p> </p><p>There was a creaking of a desk as Prince lent over to the side to look down the row Lily and Remus sat. She scowled, narrowing her eyes to only tiny slits in her face. Her beady black eyes darted between the two of them before she took two of her boney fingers and stabbed them in their direction, and then at herself. <em>I’m watching you.</em></p><p> </p><p>“Sorry about that” Remus murmured, picking the book up and placing it on the table in front of him. He looked up at Lily, her eyebrow was raised in a suggestive manor, green eyes darting between the book and Remus’ face. </p><p> </p><p>“As I was saying,” She paused briefly, “I saw what happened in Charms today.” Remus didn’t know what to do but freeze. <em>Oh god she knows, it’s not even been like 4 hours since I figured this out myself and now Lily Evans knows? Seriously Remus, you need to get a grip.</em></p><p> </p><p>”Oh?” He tried to say with confidence, but it came out in a high pitched squeak. It’s not like he could hide this from Lily, she was annoyingly observant. And even if she didn’t know (a very rare occurrence) she was too stubborn to stop poking at you until you told her what was bothering you. She really was an amazing friend, but sometimes it’s nice to have secrets.</p><p> </p><p>He wondered why things like this always happened to him. Merlin, why did he have to be so awkward? Remus seemed to always be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and even if he tried to get away, fade into the background, he’d still stick out like a hippogriff in a heard of unicorns.</p><p> </p><p>”You should talk to him.” Lily said. <em>Again, with the bluntness </em>Remus thought.</p><p> </p><p>”Wh- H- Hey?”</p><p> </p><p>Lily raised her eyebrow even further, her petite forehead wrinkling. ”You should definitely talk to him, you never know Remus.”</p><p> </p><p>Remus scoffed, feeling the wolf rise the surface, howling. The anger boiled in the pit of his stomach, flames lipping up into his chest, weaving through his rib cage and over his heart. He tried to keep the feral glint out of his eyes, anything to avoid looking less than human. “Oh yeah, and how’s that going for you Evans?” He hissed, furrowing his eyebrows dangerously. </p><p> </p><p>Lily’s face turned from pale and freckled to scarlet in a matter of seconds. Her hair and skin fused into one, resembling the same shade. Struggling to think of an answer, she whispered, “That’s different...”</p><p> </p><p>”I think the only difference here is that my problem isn’t exactly <em>normal </em>is it? Unlike yours. Now if you’d excuse me-“</p><p> </p><p>Remus kicked the chair back with his heels, he grabbed his text book and bag without stopping to put it inside. Striding out of the library, he didn’t look back yet again before leaving the room.</p><p> </p><p>Lily sat at the desk still, staring at the derelict doorway Remus had just disappeared through. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This chapter feels really poopy I know. I had a really good vision of how I watched it to be written but it just turned out poopy.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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